A world collapses

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. Did I wake up from a nightmare or to one? There’s a fine line which separates the two and I just left it. The joy of forgetful sleep.

The words “get lost”, “you’ve done nothing”, “grow up”, “fuck you” resound in my head like an incessant clanging of gongs. I had to rest my head on my hands for a minute. It didn’t help so now I write.

Tell me something I haven’t told myself a million times. You can also throw in “worthless piece of shit”, “callous bitch”, “ungrateful sponge”, “fucking idiot”. Please let’s not keep up appearances here. Go ahead and let it all out. I hope it makes you feel better. That’s what’s important. After all, I am the shit, the bitch, the sponge, and the idiot who is immature, have done nothing and would be better if I’d just fuck off and get lost.

No, I’m not being sarcastic. Hell, I know what a pathetic loser I am in other people’s eyes.

Though, I do wonder sometimes if they really do see me. Failing to realise that this life that they look down upon is a life, with all its imperfections, is my world. A world that their words tried to destroy.

Yet I still dare to dream that one day I will be loved. Even if it seems I am not deserving. My faith tells me that I am so I believe that one day someone will take me in his arms and say, “Everything will be alright.” My God will make sure of that.

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