Taking a deep, deep breath

If I let go of all the anger in me, I’m afraid to face what’s left. Who will I turn out to be? Thoughts like these never cease to plague me, which brings me to conclude that I may just not change.

A dear friend has seen and heard almost everything about me. She has seen the blackest side of me and the vulnerable side, too. I know how much she wishes I’d just drop whatever I’m holding on to so I can continue with the rest of my life but she knows how stubborn I am. I’m resolute to living through mistakes and face the meanest thing that life may bring my way head on. It seems stupid. I know.

Does that make me brave and strong? Admittedly, I think I’m just too scared to face disappointment so I’d rather have the lowest of expectations than the grandest of hopes. Call me stupid. Again.

It’s funny how I snap at the slightest sign of shady behaviour. I guess I’ve grown way too suspicious of people I know, old and new. Like I’m a good judge of character! Duh.

But I do wonder what lies beyond the anger. This moment clearly gives you a taste of the many times I’ve thought about the ‘what-ifs’ and the ’should-i’ questions. I’m still searching for a hint of the ‘what’s in it for me’ thingie that the surefooted me expects.

I’m thinking of giving it a try, trashing that expectation and just winging it. Will I land on both feet once I do decide to jump? Will I like who I’d become once I find myself there? It’s quite an obvious answer for most but hell, it’s easier if you’re not in my shoes; if you didn’t go through what I went through.

It’s difficult. I don’t know how I can understand, forgive and love someone whom I’ve loathed for a long time. How can I forget all the things that broke my heart and spirit? How can I unlearn the cold, hard truths of filial, platonic, and romantic relationships? How can I accept the role I have to play as I go on living life as a girl learning to be a woman?

I always feel I’m late for this life. My life.

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