Holding My Breath
By The Parodist | May 20, 2008
The morning after. Writing. Hoping. Thinking. Regretting. Coping. Reminiscing. Wishing. Screaming. Praying. Smiling. Laughing. Planning. Fears. Promises. Heaven. Peace. Confused. Tired. Remembering. Apology. Angry. Lost. Stressed. Memories. Love.
Last time I saw him was on his birthday. I didn’t even greet him. He had asked me a question but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to see him that day. Little did I know that it would be the last time I’d see him. The last time I’d hear his voice. The last time I’d stand in his presence.
Last time.
It felt like walking through a dream sequence. A very, very bad dream.
Now, all I want to happen is to wake up. So I can say I’m sorry. To say that I missed him. That I remember him. So I can say I love him. So he’ll still be here.
There are days wherein I find myself holding my breath. Hoping that it’s not real. I do my best to shake it off. But, sometimes, I do get this strong urge to just hold it in somewhat like willing myself to go through life in reverse. Anything to fill the hollowness. Quite foolish, I know.
Each day is still hard. I reckon a change as huge as this one will require all your might. Key is to just keep breathing.
I guess he leaves this world teaching me one final lesson — one that everyone will learn eventually — death.
However late this greeting may be — Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ll see and be with you later.
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Topics: Mood Notes |
May 20th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
[...] I’m sorry for not being around the past week or so. I had to deal with some personal emergency. [...]
May 20th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Am sorry for your loss. I am “orphaned” now. I do miss my dad and mom. The thing is even if I knew my dad was dying for 4 years I still feel regrets. So many things left unsaid. What you feel is part of the grieving process. Though our loved one is not here physically, we can establish a spiritual connection. Death did not take away our love. Grieve well.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:08 am
Death may be inevitable, but good memories last forever. They shine like that small candle that brightens up the entire room.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:12 am
Hang in there Sasha. The grieving process is difficult but it too will pass.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
[...] sorry for not being around the past week or so. I had to deal with a personal emergency. Due to its nature, I failed to leave you with any [...]
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 am
Thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts and sharing them with me. I appreciate the support and concern. I wish y’all health and happiness.
May 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Hi Sasha. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I hope you’re doing better
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Hi.
I’ve been subscribed to Style Manila for quite some time now (I actually can’t remember.) and I must say that all the effort you put into posting (as regularly as you can manage) is very much appreciated. We all have our distractions, fallbacks, or misfortunes. I hope you’re doing well, and that you’ve been able to recuperate, or that you will be able to. I’ll be praying for your dad. 
May 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Sha!
I’m sorry. For your loss. =(
ONE BIG HUG from CEBU.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:10 am
[...] I lost my father recently. The one man I know who loves me unconditionally. The one man who accepts me. And, I’d like to think, the one man whose eyes lit up the first time he gazed upon me — holding me in his arms — cuz he knew he’ll love me forever. [...]
May 25th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Sasha. *hugz.
May 26th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
i’m sorry for your loss, sasha. will pray for your family.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I have lost my dad, too, albeit about 6 years ago already but the feeling of loss has never gone. I’m sure you’ll be able to recover. Will pray for your loss, Sasha.
July 5th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Much appreciated.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:22 am
[...] Trivia: Photo taken at The Medical City lobby-slash-driveway, May 2008; also seen here. [...]